So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
