did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
