She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
