areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
