god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Randomize
