I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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