So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Slut skills are useful in every country.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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