if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
