nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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