I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
