It's Friday. Sex?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
