end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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