party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I love you. Go after that dick
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
