you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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