she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
