Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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