I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
