dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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