Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
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