It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
