Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my being single is dangerous.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
