Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
