Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
