You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
they're like a gay fantastic four
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
