the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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