I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
