In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
