It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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