I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
