Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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