i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
