So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
