Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
