Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
