i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
