he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
