I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
