Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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