Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
