Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
