Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
