You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
