We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
