why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
