you didnt know i had herpes?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
