My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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