1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
