I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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