Don't make out with my wife yet
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
