Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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